In trying to express my feelings about my misadventure, I finally decide I should just type about it, rather than ponder over these events of today and figure out who else to call to let them know about it. This almost feels like a funeral, the way the phone calls have been going:

“Excuse me, my job just died so I figured I’d let you know…..yeah, it was pretty sudden... 4 years…I know, I’m just as shocked as you are….well, we’re not asking for much, but if you could pay my bills for the next year, I’d really appreciate it….” Ech.

This morning’s dreaded conversation was pretty brief and to the point. There were no security guards waiting for me, my manager didn’t have a can of mace, and he actually gave me some really good insight on where to find my next new job so I wasn’t disappointed. By the time the “meeting” was over, it was 9:30, I had gotten my last (free!) can of Nestea, a handshake, and documents to think about over the week and sign in order to receive a severance package. I was in my car making my phone calls to friends, who can no longer be referred to as my “work buddies”. Sigh.

I felt like going for lunch, but then figured I would be fine with cheese toast until I figured out what I was going to do with the rest of my day. So what did I do next when I get home? I had absolutely no clue. I hadn’t updated my resume in almost four years, so when I got home and started making phone calls to headhunters, their response to my situation was, well, immediate. “Sorry to hear that. Why don’t you send us your updated resume to us. Right. About. Now.” In my flurry of activity of sending this to them, I also fielded other calls from comrades who pieced together a list of people who also had exit interviews today. It felt good to not be the only one getting laid off. (Well, not really, but I thought I'd say that anyway....)

So tomorrow’s adventure? More of the same. I get to have lots of phone interviews, lots of other phone conversations, and piece myself together for the family reunion happening this weekend….oh yeah, the family reunion…wonder how those conversations are going to turn out…

Today is the day of the layoff.
I, officially, have no work as of today. I haven't had to deal with having no work since....well, EVER.
More to come later.

Well I like to scream in the middle of the street, take off all my clothes, talk into the trees....

-There's Nothing Wrong, Jhelisa, 'Galactica Rush'


I have to take the test. You know, the test I've failed? I should be studying more with the satisfaction that I'm going to pass this test this time. I'm very afraid that I will fail this test again...so please give me some good vibes and words of encouragement. I'm needin' a whole heap of courage right about now.

I want to go see my family next weekend, but my mother wants to ride with me. I don't want to be far from my mother, but I want to relax, listen to my music. She likes riding, stopping every so often, listening to spiritual music, or, better yet, listen to nothing at all. My quandry? How can I tell her I don't necessarily want to ride with her, that I'd rather ride alone?

My viral load is undetectable. Colds last less than 24 hours these days. The doctor thinks I look buff, and fabulous. Now he wants me to take Procrit, to offset anemia. How's that for irony?

How come I'm afraid of getting laid off?

Has everyone else blocked the war with Iraq out of their minds too?

How come I can't find the right colors for my website? You'd think I would have settled on a new pattern for my site about now.

I'm not nigga, i'm ne-g-ro / If I become a nigga I'll let you know
- Beautiful Me, Donnie, 'The Colored Section'


I finally got to The Colored Section and was uplifted by Donnie, a good buddy and a great singer. I felt nicely uplifted. I planned on making it to Alabama tomorrow morning, going to my cousin's wedding, hanging out with AyeOh, attending a party, and then leaving and sitting at home watching RayRae's party unfold and develop into something wonderful....as usual. An unexplained thing happened though.

I talked myself out of visiting AyeOh. My reasoning? I wouldn't get back to Atlanta in time to make sure that RaeRae's party would take shape. Underlying fear?

Not willing to walk back out of closet to a man I knew since I was 14 with fear of the slamming of a door.

I had the brains. He had brains and brawn. I had dreams that stayed that: dreams. He helped me to realize that I wasn't the only one that had dreams of being unencumbered, unafraid. He taught me that it was actually okay to love others, that I wasn't alone in my thoughts.

At least that how it seemed to be at first. When I went back home, and went to go see my friend and confidant, I brought him up to speed about what was going on with me, how I was comfortable about being in, and living, The Life. Instead of an embrace, I was met with a slam in my face that what I was doing was bad. Terrible. Reprehensible.

"I don't condone what you're doing, but if that's what you want to do, it's your life."

Now, this was one of my best friends....and now, I'm shunned. It's nine years since that debacle and I haven't seen him since then. Haven't caught him up to speed with what's been happening the last five years. I somehow didn't overcome that fear and pushed my schedule around, said I was too busy, when I knew I could have worked my schedule around and see him.

Gotta go fix my bloody nose and get ready for the party...

Not over you yet / not trying to forget / the way that you love me
- The Way That You Love Me (D'Influence Mix), Diana Ross, 'Every Day Is A New Day'

Alright, I got my ass pimped slapped, hands down.

I haven't been blogging, haven't been reading, thought that everything would take more time than I could possibly spare. Now I see that I'm just a lazy man, with a slightly depressed life because I want everything and I want it now, damnit.

Now, pushing through that, thanks to the letter J (the aforementioned pimp slapper), the initials MJ, Lynne the Luvah, the Jazzy One, and the Soul Of A Man, I can continue saying what I think is nothing and might end up being absolutely...something.

I gained 10 pounds last week. I failed a test - again. I started working out again, had a friend visit from New Jersey, and will be in Alabama this weekend.

You would think that would be enough, but it ain't. This week's theme: birthdays. My sister's birthday is today, and RayRae is about to celebrate his birthday at dic this weekend. Reminder to self: bring camera and batteries. It's gonna be a stone gas...